The Mother Of All Meme Posts

Uh-oh ... looks like I've been tagged. (WAIT - DON'T GO YET!)

I tend to avoid "memes" like the plague. I think it's supposed to be pronouced "meem", but as far as I'm concerned, you can pronounce it with two syllables, thusly: "Me! Me!"

Memes are like chain letters. Someone, most likely fighting a drunken stupor and squinting at their monitor through a cloud of marijuana haze, thinks it would be a good idea to make the lives of other bloggers a living hell. So they write a meme, then "tag" four of their soon-to-be-former friends to fill in this thing, add their names to the bottom of the list, send ten dollars each to each of the people above them in the list, and send it to four of their soon-to-be-former friends. Or something like that.

At least regular chain letters have the cojones to threaten you if you break the chain: "Pass this along within the next fifteen minutes to everyone in your e-mail list, or you will lose all your friends, become hideously deformed, contract terminal halitosis, and your dog will be run over by a bicycle courier on speed. And you'll have bad luck for the next six months."

Memes are much more insidious. It is simply considered to be the depth of discourtesy to ignore a meme when you've been "tagged" (i.e., covered with spray paint and abandoned) with one. And my oppressor - 'scuse me, my honorable tagger - Eric the "Blogging Boss" has seen fit to inflict one of these things upon me.

So, to ensure that this sort of thing will NEVER happen to this blog again, here is the Mother Of All Meme Posts. Let this be a lesson to all of you. (Just to make things interesting, one of the four entries for each question is absolutely true. I'll leave it to you to figure out which one.)

Thank you for sending this to me, Eric. And that chafing dish you got for Christmas that might have come from me? I want it back.

Four jobs you've had in your life:
1) Mad cow wrangler
2) Day trader in Enron stock
3) Stand-up comedian
4) Charmin quality-control inspector

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1) Dude, Where's My Car?
2) Manos, The Hands Of Fate
3) The Incredibles
4) Ishtar

Four places you have lived:
1) Inside my mom
2) Upstairs from my mom
3) Away from my mom
4) The seventh level of Hell (i.e., Las Vegas in August)

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1) "The Incredible Adventures of Bambi Big-Uns" (Playboy)
2) "Are You Going To Eat That?" (Food Network)
3) Anything with Paul Crouch and his epoxied-and-laminated wife (TBN)
4) "30 Minute Meals" with Rachael Ray (until she got married; she's not so damn perky anymore)

Four places you have been on vacation:
1) The sixth level of Hell (i.e., Las Vegas in July)
2) The fifth level of Hell (i.e., Chicago during a snowstorm)
3) The fourth level of Hell (i.e., the BVIs during the height of sand-flea season)
4) The third level of Hell (i.e., Los Angeles just about anytime)

Four websites you visit daily:
1) BambiBigUns.com
2) MSNBC.com
3) BillOReillyIsASwampCreature.org
4) IHaveNoLife.net

Four of your favorite foods:
1) Haggis
2) Tuna smoothies
3) A nice big hunk o' dead cow
4) Vegemite smeared on a chocolate-chip cookie

Four places you would rather be right now:
1) In a hot tub with Jessica Alba
2) In the studio audience of "Dancing With The Stars"
3) Baghdad, outside the Green Zone
4) Sailing the Mediterranean (with Jessica Alba)

Four bloggers you are tagging:
None. Do you hear me? NONE! Not a one! THIS MADNESS MUST BE STOPPED!

(Hey ... what's going on? My breath is getting worse, and I hear a bicycle courier crying outside ...)