The $2.5 Million Headache

Last Sunday was the Super Bowl. Did anybody with a TiVo really watch the game ... or did they fast-forward through the rather dull first half, and zip straight to the commercials?

This year's "Super Bowel" commercials went for a record $2.5 million for a 30-second spot. Some were heartwarming (I'm still getting over sugar shock from that "Budweiser" spot where the baby Clydesdale tries to pull the beer wagon) and some just made absolutely no sense at all (did anybody like the "GoDaddy" ad they ran this year?)

But one ad annoyed the living crap out of me. (Would you expect anything else from anything starring Kathy Griffin?)

If you don't remember the commercial for "Sierra Mist", you can view it to the right. In a nutshell, Kathy is an annoying (of course) airport screener. She abuses her federal authority by making a beeping noise whenever she waves her screening wand over some poor sap's bottle of Sierra Mist, and informs him that she'll have to confiscate the soda. When he calls her on her rather transparent abuse of power, she threatens him with a body cavity search.

I know I shouldn't let a television commercial make me mad ... but this one is so easy to hate. We have here a representative of the federal Gubmint -- remember, all airport screeners work for the TSA now -- who is using her badge to intimidate and harrass innocent airline passengers out of their sodas. You may think I'm overreacting, but I'm not; when I was flying out of Las Vegas one month after the 9/11 attacks, all of the luggage screening was still done by hand.

The screeners went through our bags while we watched. Fortunately for me, they were quite cheerful; when they came across my cigar case, the screener asked me if the cigars were Cuban. I told him no, they weren't, but they were pretty good cigars nonetheless. Somehow during the conversation, the screener revealed that if he so chose, he could take those cigars if he wanted to. No check on his authority, no recourse; he could just take anything he wanted from my luggage, in the name of "airline security".

And that was before airport screeners became agents of the Department of Fatherlan-- er, I mean Homeland Security. Now, of course, all airport screeners work for Dubya. And, so it would seem, would Kathy Griffin.

But let's disregard the overt abuse of federal power here to relieve some poor, dehydrated guy of his soda. Let's look at the bigger picture. Behind the guy being hassled, are dozens of airline passengers who just want to get on their freakin' plane. They have to stand and wait while Ms. Kathy shows everybody just how important she is. What is the message this is sending to the airport screeners of tomorrow? "It doesn't matter if people make it to their planes on time. If you see a passenger has something that you want, just take it, no matter how much it inconveniences its owner or all the people standing in line behind him."

I think it's safe to say, that this commercial and its implications wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much if it had starred Scarlett Johansson instead of the host of "Average Joe" ...

* * * * *

In other Super Bowl commercial news, the Gillette Company spent $2.5 million to inform us that the way people have shaved for years -- whether it was with sharpened whale bones or straight razors or even Gillette's own Blue Blades, twin-bladed Atras or triple-bladed Mach 3s -- has been completely and utterly insufficient to cure the stubbly beard. Gillette announced that it takes no fewer than five blades (plus a "Flexible Comfort Guard" and an "Enhanced Indicator Lubrastrip") to provide a comfortable shave and cure the rug burn that your wife will inevitably get from your pathetic kisses if you don't use the maximum number of blades.

As if this weren't enough (and, by God, don't you think it oughta be), Gillette also announced their battery-operated version of the same five-bladed Fusion razor. Why battery-operated, you may well ask?

IT VIBRATES.

Think about that. Sharpened steel blades touching your tender flesh, and vibrating. I just cannot wrap my brain around that concept (although clearly, there are some people who can). And, being the genius marketers that they are, Gillette must soon come out with an erotically-sculpted version for women, commercials for which will air on "The View":

(husky female voice-over) Hey, ladies ... facing another long, lonely night ahead? It's just you and your stubble ... but Gillette has the answer. Find satisfaction while you shave ...

(Clearly, I need to go lie down for a while.)