Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I Found Jesus (In A Dress)

(Since my last post on serious topics was such a resounding flop, we now return you to our regularly-scheduled goofiness ...)

FACT: Most depictions of Jesus of Nazareth (in the United States, anyway) portray the kind, beatific face of a white guy with long brown hair and brown or blue eyes.

FACT: According to historical documents, Jesus was born in Bethlehem and grew up in Nazareth, two towns in what is now Israel.

FACT: Israel is in the Middle East.

FACT: Middle Eastern men, for the most part, don't look like white guys.

FACT: Jesus, according to historical documents, was born to Jewish parents.

FACT: Middle Eastern Jewish men, for the most part, look even less like white guys. They tend to have big Jewish eyes and big Jewish noses. (And in case anyone thinks I'm making racist generalizations, be aware that I'm Jewish. And I have big Jewish eyes and a big Jewish nose. So get offa my back.)

It was over a big plate of nachos that the Wife and I were discussing how the American Christian congregations have stripped the ethnicity from their depictions of Jesus, to make him look as Nebraskan as possible, and mused on how Jesus probably looked.

And as we discussed the aforementioned Facts, the Wife, with one of those flashes of brilliance that makes me love her, exclaimed: "Jesus looked like Corporal Klinger!"

I blinked. Then I smiled. Once again, the woman is absolutely right.

Jesus probably bore a very strong resemblance to Jamie Farr, frequent game show guest and host of the Jamie Farr Owens Corning Golf Classic. And, oh yeah, he had a small but significant part in a '70s TV show called "M*A*S*H".

For those of you too young to recall, when the character of Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger was introduced, he wore dresses and women's jewelry (in a most non-effiminate way) to try to secure a medical discharge from the Army for mental instability.

Farr was born to Lebanese parents, and with his wiry black hair and hairy arms, made a rather ... interesting picture in the long gowns and sundresses the costumers chose for him. (Thank you, "M*A*S*H" producers, for keeping him away from mini-skirts!)

And, being from the same genetic part of the world as Jesus, there is probably substantial similarity between the way Jamie Farr looked when he was 30, and the way Jesus looked when he was 30.

Kinda makes you wonder what Jesus would have looked like in Bob Mackie, doesn't it?

(Yes, I'm going to hell. Your nasty letters ain't gonna change anything. "Judge not, lest ye be judged," and all that ...)

posted by Gary @ 12:43 PM


At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Mona said...

That make a lot of sense. What also makes sense is God being a woman. Now that's something I would consider

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Christopher Trottier said...

I'm Jewish too. However, I don't think there is a "Jewish" look. My friend Yochanan is Temani. He doesn't look like "Jewish" at all. And do you really think that Ashkenazim and Sephardim look similar to one another?

At 12:37 AM, Blogger Gary said...


I'm a Reform Jew born and raised in Texas. I wouldn't know an Ashkenazim from a Sephardim from Sarah Jessica Parker ...

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

Thanks for the laugh, I hope you know you have quite honestly made my day by this post!

At 7:29 PM, Blogger AnonymousCog said...

The real theological question remains: Would Jesus be a Toledo Mudhens fan?



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Location: Houston, Texas

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