Thursday, November 10, 2005

It's The Great Steroid, Charlie Brown


It's springtime, and the Peanuts gang is getting ready to fling the horsehide around. With a peppy Vince Guaraldi tune playing in the background, LINUS, LUCY, SCHROEDER, PIG-PEN and SNOOPY are taking turns at batting practice. With SCHROEDER in full CATCHER'S GEAR behind the plate, and PIG-PEN on the pitcher's mound (which is obscured by a cloud of dust), LUCY swings the BAT and hits the HORSEHIDE on a liner to shortstop, where SNOOPY catches the ball in his mouth. LINUS, in the on-deck circle, carefully folds up his SECURITY BLANKET and approaches the plate.

Hey, has anybody seen the round-headed kid today?

When I saw him yesterday, he was even moodier than he was the day before. He's getting Charlie Brownier every day!

SALLY walks by.

How is my sweet babboo today?

I'm not your sweet babboo! Where is your brother?

He'll be here soon. He said he had to take a B-12 shot, whatever that is.

Do you guys think we can actually win a game this season?

With that blockhead as our manager? Are you drunk?

Only a little ...

SCHROEDER is interrupted by a loud, angry scream out of frame, followed by the sound of splintering wood. Into frame comes CHARLIE BROWN, scowling and frowning, and carrying a broken BAT HANDLE. CHARLIE BROWN'S head, which was already too large for his body before, is now hugely disproportionate to the rest of him. When he speaks, his voice is deep and raspy, like Larry King after a two-day bender.

CHARLIE BROWN (to everyone)
What the hell are you looking at?

Big brother, you've changed ...

Zip it, you little shit, or I'm gonna replace your contraceptive gel with superglue!

Charlie Brown, we need to talk.

So talk, bitch.

LUCY (takes a deep breath)
Charlie Brown, we've all noticed some changes in you in the last couple of weeks. You've gotten meaner, your head has gotten larger, and your testicles have gotten smaller.

LINUS (sotto voce, to LUCY)
How do you know his testicles have gotten smaller?

LUCY (sotto voce)
None of your goddamn business.
(to CHARLIE BROWN, normal voice)
Meanwhile, you're pitching the horsehide over 110 miles per hour, and you're hitting home runs 500 or 600 feet. Now what we want to know is, why?

CHARLIE BROWN pauses, glaring at LUCY. Then, he breaks down crying.

I'm so tired of losing all the time! I just want to win one game! I just want to score one run! ONE RUN! Is that too much to ask, you skanky piece of ho-meat?

The GANG looks at each other. Then:

Charlie Brown, are you juicing?

Before CHARLIE BROWN can answer, a tall ADULT appears at the side of the frame.

Bwa bwa bwa, bwa bwa bwa bwa ...

The ADULT hands CHARLIE BROWN an ENVELOPE and leaves. CHARLIE BROWN opens the ENVELOPE and reads the letter inside.

What is it, Charlie Brown?

It's a Congressional subpoena. They want me to testify against that BALCO guy who gave me the -- um, the ... nutritional supplements.

THE GANG (together)
You're a blockhead, Charlie Brown!

Good grief!

posted by Gary @ 4:56 PM


At 8:51 AM, Blogger Rocky said...

The Charlie Brown post is hilarious! Well done! If he's on the juice, maybe he could also actually kick that football before that bitch Lucy pulls it away.


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Location: Houston, Texas

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