It's The Great Steroid, Charlie Brown
EXT. A BASEBALL FIELD
It's springtime, and the Peanuts gang is getting ready to fling the horsehide around. With a peppy Vince Guaraldi tune playing in the background, LINUS, LUCY, SCHROEDER, PIG-PEN and SNOOPY are taking turns at batting practice. With SCHROEDER in full CATCHER'S GEAR behind the plate, and PIG-PEN on the pitcher's mound (which is obscured by a cloud of dust), LUCY swings the BAT and hits the HORSEHIDE on a liner to shortstop, where SNOOPY catches the ball in his mouth. LINUS, in the on-deck circle, carefully folds up his SECURITY BLANKET and approaches the plate.
SALLY walks by.
SCHROEDER is interrupted by a loud, angry scream out of frame, followed by the sound of splintering wood. Into frame comes CHARLIE BROWN, scowling and frowning, and carrying a broken BAT HANDLE. CHARLIE BROWN'S head, which was already too large for his body before, is now hugely disproportionate to the rest of him. When he speaks, his voice is deep and raspy, like Larry King after a two-day bender.
CHARLIE BROWN pauses, glaring at LUCY. Then, he breaks down crying.
The GANG looks at each other. Then:
Before CHARLIE BROWN can answer, a tall ADULT appears at the side of the frame.
The ADULT hands CHARLIE BROWN an ENVELOPE and leaves. CHARLIE BROWN opens the ENVELOPE and reads the letter inside.
It's springtime, and the Peanuts gang is getting ready to fling the horsehide around. With a peppy Vince Guaraldi tune playing in the background, LINUS, LUCY, SCHROEDER, PIG-PEN and SNOOPY are taking turns at batting practice. With SCHROEDER in full CATCHER'S GEAR behind the plate, and PIG-PEN on the pitcher's mound (which is obscured by a cloud of dust), LUCY swings the BAT and hits the HORSEHIDE on a liner to shortstop, where SNOOPY catches the ball in his mouth. LINUS, in the on-deck circle, carefully folds up his SECURITY BLANKET and approaches the plate.
Hey, has anybody seen the round-headed kid today?
PIG-PENWhen I saw him yesterday, he was even moodier than he was the day before. He's getting Charlie Brownier every day!
LUCY
SALLY walks by.
How is my sweet babboo today?
SALLY (to LINUS)I'm not your sweet babboo! Where is your brother?
LINUSHe'll be here soon. He said he had to take a B-12 shot, whatever that is.
SALLYDo you guys think we can actually win a game this season?
SCHROEDERWith that blockhead as our manager? Are you drunk?
LUCYOnly a little ...
SCHROEDER
SCHROEDER is interrupted by a loud, angry scream out of frame, followed by the sound of splintering wood. Into frame comes CHARLIE BROWN, scowling and frowning, and carrying a broken BAT HANDLE. CHARLIE BROWN'S head, which was already too large for his body before, is now hugely disproportionate to the rest of him. When he speaks, his voice is deep and raspy, like Larry King after a two-day bender.
What the hell are you looking at?
CHARLIE BROWN (to everyone)Big brother, you've changed ...
SALLYZip it, you little shit, or I'm gonna replace your contraceptive gel with superglue!
CHARLIE BROWN (to SALLY)Charlie Brown, we need to talk.
LUCYSo talk, bitch.
CHARLIE BROWNCharlie Brown, we've all noticed some changes in you in the last couple of weeks. You've gotten meaner, your head has gotten larger, and your testicles have gotten smaller.
LUCY (takes a deep breath)How do you know his testicles have gotten smaller?
LINUS (sotto voce, to LUCY)None of your goddamn business.
LUCY (sotto voce)(to CHARLIE BROWN, normal voice)Meanwhile, you're pitching the horsehide over 110 miles per hour, and you're hitting home runs 500 or 600 feet. Now what we want to know is, why?
CHARLIE BROWN pauses, glaring at LUCY. Then, he breaks down crying.
I'm so tired of losing all the time! I just want to win one game! I just want to score one run! ONE RUN! Is that too much to ask, you skanky piece of ho-meat?
CHARLIE BROWN
The GANG looks at each other. Then:
Charlie Brown, are you juicing?
LINUS
Before CHARLIE BROWN can answer, a tall ADULT appears at the side of the frame.
Bwa bwa bwa, bwa bwa bwa bwa ...
ADULT
The ADULT hands CHARLIE BROWN an ENVELOPE and leaves. CHARLIE BROWN opens the ENVELOPE and reads the letter inside.
What is it, Charlie Brown?
SCHROEDERIt's a Congressional subpoena. They want me to testify against that BALCO guy who gave me the -- um, the ... nutritional supplements.
CHARLIE BROWNYou're a blockhead, Charlie Brown!
THE GANG (together)Good grief!
CHARLIE BROWN
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