Computers Suck, And Then You Die

My computer is finally back up and running. It took three frickin' days, but the problem turned out to be nothing more than a bad memory card. And for all the flack Microsoft (of course you know, "micro" = small, "soft" = limp) catches about being the Monolithic Wal-Mart Of The Technology World, they really pulled my tail out of the hole. And, as I mentioned before, didn't charge me a cent for it. Kudos to them where it's deserved.

It was Microslob (sorry, old habits die hard, but I'll try to show them more respect from here on out) that helped me isolate the problem. They kept checking back with me, ad nauseam, until they were convinced that my problem was resolved and they could close out the trouble ticket. And yes, my tech's name was Rajneesh, and yes, he's located over there somewhere in Obpurnamsheeshi. (Which makes me wonder why Microscum -- oops, I did it again -- advertises service hours of 5 am to 9 pm Pacific time, when not a soul answering their phones is in any of the American time zones and could only be noshing on beef-free Big Macs during that time period. But once again, I digress ...)

There are lessons to be learned here:

1) While Microsoft's software may suck, their service ain't so damn bad. Even if they have exported thousands of jobs overseas, and even if they do overcharge for beta software, their Indian employees are good eggs. And if they don't stop calling me over and over again to ensure that everything is now all right with my computer, I'm going to start sending them packages of Omaha Steaks and boy, will THAT get their bovine-worshipping attention ...

2) While their service may be good, Windows XP software IS that damn bad. I was one of the first-ever people to use a Mac, and if there were any software worth a damn available for it, I'd still be using one. Windows still crashes without telling you WHY it crashed. At least Macs pointed at you and laughed out loud before going down. (Much like a couple of girlfriends in my past. But again, I digress ...)

3) Yogi Berra said "It ain't over till it's over." Well, with Microslave (oops, sorry), even when it's fixed, it ain't fixed. Now that the file structure on my hard drive has been re-built and now that the drive in question has been de-fragged, it still takes a full SIX MINUTES -- yes, you read that right -- for the Windows splash screen to disappear and my desktop to show up. And I'm stumped. I got no clue why that is. But is it worth another call to New Delhi to figure out the problem? My gut tells me that I had better be happy to have gotten all the free support out of Microvole (dammit, sorry) that I did, and leave well enough alone. (After all, if I can't find the answer on Google, it's not worth having, now is it?)

To summarize: (a) Microsoft is NOT the anti-Christ. (b) Microsoft IS the semi-evil, misunderstood Satan (with the deep baritone singing voice) from the "South Park" movie. (c) Indian nationals are our friends. Just trust me on this. (d) If a sinkhole opened up in Redmond, Washington tomorrow and swallowed the Microsoft campus whole, no one would miss any of them; they've already outsourced every significant job function we need out of them.

And (e): You never really appreciate how important your bank accounts and your internet porn are until you think they're gone forever ...